-My Future-

So a while back I envisioned my future. Not my ideal future, but it was something that just came to mind.

A few years back I became focused on schoolwork. I didn't really do it because I wanted to get better grades or go to a better college or anything like that. It was a comfortable place for me. School was a place where I was always comfortable even when I didn't know the answer because in the end, there always was an answer. Whether you had to get it out of a textbook or argue it among classmates while reading over an essay, you could always draw some kind of conclusion that could be evaluated by teachers in a simple letter grade system. Its funny to think about it like that now I guess. I still remember giving a stupid answer to a question my dad asked and having him tell me that the childish answer is often the best because it is free from educational bias.

Sadly, I lack the competition in college now that had always kept me interested in high school. There are no more johns and davids to compare physics or math grades and no melissas to hate me for my lack of studying in biology and definitely no more sergeis who would always make chemistry fun. Instead, everyone has gotten more serious about school, and less serious about actually learning anything. All around me I dont see people interested in the subjects, but interested in other things: the party last night, the girls in the front row(or anywhere for that matter), the curve, the latest stupid trend, and all the other things that college kids do to keep themselves away from the dreaded status of "boring". And here I am, genuinely interested in whatever the professor is lecturing on that particular day. In no way am I saying that I am unique, I simply find it odd.

I still remember what one of my friends at ucsd told me freshman year. He said "all the good ones will be taken by the end of first year" (good ones referring to girls of course). Even though we took his words with complete seriousness then. We were all still surprised when it all came true. And while many of my friends would be more than content to be with some pretty girl who doesn't have the slightest wits or brains about her, I wouldn't be able to stand being around such a person for more than a few minutes (and I suppose that being the case, I wouldn't make a very good boyfriend). I'd rather have a girl that can understand me. Sadly, I was left contemplating the rather low probability of encountering such a girl and such thoughts started this entire post.

My future will be of course marked by the most average of above average asian guys majoring in any science. I will start dating a girl that is a friend of a friend or something along those lines. It'll be a fairly boring but perfectly reasonable relationship and with neither one finding anything too horribly wrong about the other eventually accept such a relationship. Marriage may follow or the process may repeat for a while but in the end I figure I'd end up with a kid. From there, we would probably both realize somewhere along the way that our relationship was never built on love of any kind and we'll stick it out simply for the kid's sake. Skip 18 years or so and the divorce papers come along. Probably a mutual and non-troublesome split as it was a fairly obvious conclusion. I'll still stay at my job and take some form of pride in my work, as it will be the only thing I'll really have left and I'll find my situation entirely remarkable as one that has followed me throughout my life. I'll look back and realize that the only thing I've ever had is my work and for the first time at the age of about 40 I'll contemplate committing suicide.

Of course, something inside me already told me that this would be the case long ago and while most people were looking at their futures and imagining a family and a nice job and a loving wife/husband whatever. I was already imagining a life without any of that save for a job that I could do for the rest of my life and perhaps a child who would most likely be adopted. For some reason despite all of this, I've always wanted to be a father (maybe if only to prove that I could be a better one than my own father [although I certainly hope that isn't the reason as it isn't a very good one]). And I would live my life that way, attending to my research until I was old enough to retire. Maybe do some traveling (I would certainly like to see the world or parts of it) and be able to die without the sad realization that my only constant companion in life has been a mound of work that never ceased and never would cease. At this point in my life, my only real connection to the world would be my cousins who I would probably still have some contact with, my sister and possibly my son or daughter. I would live my life as an old man and for some reason even in my imagination of myself as an old man, I can't see myself stopping and refusing to continue learning.

And while both of these futures seem sad and pathetic to some, I certainly see the second one as a future that I wouldn't be unhappy living in. Perhaps what is sad is that I can't even dream up a better future for myself than that. But if I ever became the kind of alpha male guy that I see so many trying to emulate and so many girls falling for, I would wish for my life to end long before I was an old man thats for sure.