-Love-

Haha, well I thought my first 2 weeks of the new quarter would be filled with studying and in a way I was right. I honestly did not expect alex to be so accepting of my romantic feelings and to be honest...I still don't completely trust her when she says that it doesn't bother her. I know its bad, and that I should learn to get over it, but I often find myself jealous of the guys around her...maybe cause of how far away I am...maybe its just a problem I have. She said before that she has romantic feelings for me too, but told me today she's not in love with me. Thats to be expected of course, but it did hurt to get my hopes up like that haha. Really though, the whole situation scares me so much that I often find myself wishing that either I had never said anything or that she had simply told me that it weirded her out too much and that we should just stay friends. By opening that door even slightly, I think she started something that she might not have wanted to and I can't help but feel sad at the inevitable painful future I often imagine for myself. For a brief moment she gave me hope of a happy future together with her...but that was definitely jumping the gun too fast and I found I quickly reverted back to my dreams of a single father, haha.

My feelings are just so pathetic. For years I loved this girl and would have done almost anything for her if she had asked (of course, her personality is thus that she would never try to exploit me). There were times when I wished I could just forget about her completely...even times when I told myself I hated her for doing this to me. She didn't really do anything of course, but it sometimes felt nice to blame someone for my own problems. Of course, she felt nothing of the sort and kept my feelings for her nestled far in the back of her head where she could forget or ignore that she ever had hurt me. But I suppose that sounds a bit angry, and I can't be angry...can't blame anyone for what they feel after all. I guess it really is only love that can throw your emotions so wildly around. Sometimes its painful...but it sure does feel nice to get the tiniest bit of reciprocation...

And even though she seems to be willing to try a relationship between us, I just can't help but hesitate. What if I'm just the "rebound" guy? What if it doesn't work out? What if she is only willing to try it out cause she cares about me...not because she actually feels any attraction towards me whatsoever?

But somehow I knew it wasn't gonna be easy and I thank myself from a quarter ago for giving myself such a heavy workload. I hate it when my negative attitude is right...