I ate with yon today. He said something that...reduced me to...what I'm feeling like right now. He told me, "at least you're doing what makes you happy". I feel like I don't have anything that makes me happy anymore. I can't actually remember the last time I smiled spontaneously and not just because I was expected to.
I've been to even less of my classes recently. I got two C+'s on both my midterms. I have another midterm coming up thursday and I haven't studied a bit. I have another 10+ hour assignment due tuesday that I haven't started. Instead I've been working on a simulation to show high school kids at a science fair on campus...
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I thought that maybe by just doing something I would be back to normal or something...but...that obviously hasn't worked.
I think I've just been desperately trying to find something that will make me happy. Maybe that's just foolish thinking on my part. Maybe I should just accept it all. Accept that...I find no meaning in what I do anymore...accept that...I have no rebuttal anymore to the girl who asks me why I don't believe in god...accept that I can't really accomplish anything of worth...that what I'm doing is all meaningless...that I'll just end up in a worthless job that I don't like....and that I'll be all alone. I don't feel connected anymore....not to anyone. I can't relate to anything anymore....I don't see the fun in playing with a plastic guitar for hours on end...I don't get why I should be worried about my salary...I don't get ...anyone anymore. Every single girl...who just talks about others behind their backs...every guy...who views each of those girls as though they aren't people....every person lying through their teeth with false respect...I'm done with it I'm done with it all. I think I've finally reached my breaking point. I think slowly..more and more of my consciousness is just leaving me...I don't know what I do with my time anymore...I don't know what I'm doing....I barely know if I'm the same person...I certainly don't feel like it.
Will I ever start caring again? Do I even care if I do or not? I think I do...I know that I'm supposed to at least.
how funny...that we would find the legendary phoenix in something as inconspicuous as a jellyfish...carefully selected apoptosis to remain immortal....I wonder what that would be like...its like...their own suicide mechanism..that they only stop one step before death..and that saves them all...I hope..that I can be like that jellyfish
I wonder why things got to be the way they are. I'm bleeding a lot right now...sweaty bandana around my wrist...did a lot of stuff today..I'm just..really tired I guess
Saturday, January 31, 2009
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3 comments:
1st things 1st. bleeding? :/ what happened?
secondly, I feel the same way right now... disconnected, I mean. It's always strange when it gets to the point where you don't even care about the fact that you don't care. I talked to Crys about this recently.
And lastly, no, it's not silly or stupid to look for something that makes you happy. Not stupid at all. Keep searching.
eh..I guess I fell (don't really know..I don't remember really what I was doing a second before...but I was all of sudden falling...probably that was why I was falling =P)...down some stairs...off the ledge...rolled off a cliff-face...can't even think about using stairs right now...sounds worse than it is though...I was already tired at that point though..I had spent all day sprinting back and forth across campus...funny part is, I was alone when it happened, and no one has even noticed my obvious limp...or the fact that I have to lift myself using my arms to go up or down steps =P
all I can do lately is think about traveling to different places...and just...doing..new things..seeing new things..trying to shock myself into a different..maybe better mood...
Too many things I want to do...when I think back on it though...I've just been doing things I've wanted to do for a long time this past month...went to a gun range...tried out fencing instead of kendo...started playing the piano again...singing..lol....went and caught up with a lot of people I havent seen for a long time...finally stayed up and watched the sunset and sunrise..and all the time in between....
nothing so far...and yet my list of things I want to do..is infinitely large...maybe there is hope
you won't have enough time for everything (maybe unless you believe in the afterlife) but you'll have ample time to do quite a few
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