I think I'm an inch away from giving up. I don't know what to do right now. I don't even want any of the things I thought I wanted before. I've started to hate the future that I worked hard for...but abandoning it now doesn't seem like a decision entirely controlled by me anymore. I woke up today and thought I could literally feel my dreams crashing down around me. Small little thoughts are always floating around in the back of my head...annoying...I want them gone. I feel like I've become obsessed with thinking about the future and what it holds..so much so that I can't even focus on what is right in front of me. In this first week...I've gone to about 50% of my classes...and I can't see that getting any better.
Ha...I'm a mess right now. I fallen into a spiral I think...I can't help but blame myself for being so pathetic right now but blaming myself only makes me fall deeper.
Even my room has started to reflect how I feel. Things are just tossed around everywhere. I start thing and never finish them. I feel absolutely worthless and just want to get away from here.
Yesterday I was thinking of trying to give myself a concussion or brain damage of some kind...just to make me stop thinking.
I need to go somewhere..do something right now..
Saturday, January 10, 2009
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1 comment:
try to find something you really enjoy doing that you can keep yourself occupied with. When I felt like that...I honestly couldn't get my mind off it until I did art. I tried to do all sorts of other things, but as you said, they just remained unfinished. If you find something you like doing, hopefully it will instill some sense of good and happiness into your everyday life.
don't blame yourself. as you said, that only makes things worse in the end. it's not about blame. things happen and we can only try our best to improve ourselves and the things around us as time moves forward.
present affects future. don't dwell too much on what COULD happen, okay? Let me know if you need anything.
*hug*
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