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Sorry, too long to read.

I just feel totally blank inside right now. I just don't want to feel any emotions right now. The times I feel best are when I'm just going through motions without any thought. Maybe I feel a tiny fraction of what you've felt all those times. I don't really want to compare though. If this is what it's like though, I really hope that Josh or whoever you become close with never hurts you like this again.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing right now. Its probably nothing good and stuff I'll want to delete the next day. Hell, I have no idea when you'll see this, or if you even look at it anymore. I do want to say something from my other blog though. Mostly just recent revelations...some slightly old. I just feel like somehow time is slipping away from me...I'm leaving in a few days and I don't know when I'll see you next...or if you'll even keep in touch.

What I've taken away from this is that there must be something wrong with me that I want to change now. I've started working out and doing stuff other than playing games. I think I've played only a few hours of games in the past few weeks (yay for me). On the downside though, periods of free time give me too much time to think which is often not the best as it leads to stuff like this post.

I know its not my place to say, but I think the reason I can accept the fact that you have feelings for Dave and can't stand the thought of you having feelings for Josh is simply the way in which I view the two. Dave seemed genuinely nice when I met him and from what I've heard about him (up until now at least). On the other hand, my first real description of Josh was that blog post about him getting too close to you. After that I mostly heard the way in which he treats women in his life etc. Maybe If I actually got to know him though that whole opinion would change. I guess my behavior this summer could be paralleled with his treatment of you from that post. That gives me hope though that maybe eventually we can go back to being close friends. I guess things are just too awkward because my feelings for you are so much stronger than whatever you feel for me. I just can't stand thinking of you in love with someone who will ultimately view you as an object or something like that. But I guess I should just trust your judgment as there must be things about him that outweigh all that stuff.

I think one of the problems I have with not worrying is that I tie worrying in as a natural thing to caring and caring to loving. Seeing as I do love you, I also worry. I don't want to stop worrying if it means stopping the other two.

I came to a sad realization lately though. I looked around me for someone close to me to turn to and only found myself. It made me so depressed that I once again found myself with a sharp point at my stomach and everything came full circle in my mind. I don't want to just shut down my mind like last time but I know that its inevitable.

One thing I promised myself is to rid myself of all these insecurities before the new year. Kinda like a late new years resolution I guess. Don't know how I'll do that exactly but yon seems convinced that setting me up with random girls will somehow do the trick. He also wants me to go after mimi now that she broke up with her boyfriend but none of those ideas seem too appealing. That is basically why I feel lost I guess. I have a goal in mind but I'm not sure how to reach it. I know now that every time I gave advice it wasn't really useful. Time may heal a lot of wounds but I'm certain that it can add to them as well. I guess basically in addition to insecurity I also need to deal with indescision and a lack of self-confidence. They say you gain the most when you lose...all you can do is keep your head up and keep walking huh. Don't really need to know where, as long as you keep walking and don't stop too long to stare at the tree on the side of the road.

Even though you didn't respond, I hope you share my hope that we'll still be friends in the future.

I think I've said too much now and hope that I'll just stop talking about all of this all together. I have a feeling I won't be able to though. I'll definitely try though.