-stupidity-

This whole post may sound dumb...I have no idea when you'll read this as I get the feeling you wont check it while I'm with you at Davis (and I kinda hope that you dont find it too soon).

I guess I just wanted to explain why I always fall back into the same mindsets. The reason why I feel that I have become less important to you is somewhat varied. Most of the time its because I remember back to conversations about how important your friends are to you and I see daily evidence of how big a part your friends play into your life. And then I see how you view me...and I get a feeling of complete apathy. Telling me things like...you didn't have to be here, I don't mind if you don't talk to me....and the like, while they may be completely true...they hurt in the stark contrast of what I see. I know that you most likely would prefer it if I wasnt here with you in forced contact and I'm sorry for not being able to give you the space you need. I guess the way I can imagine it is...your solution to my problem is somewhat like the solution your friends have to your problems....the whole "just forget about him/it/whatever".

The reason I fear for the coming school year is because of the week in between comicon and davis. It was kinda like...out of sight out of mind in regards to me... I mean, I know you got my text messages and I wasnt even asking for anything big at all...and yet you would blow me off without even a simple message in reply. When I would call, you would act as if everything was normal and fine...and proceeded to lie to me twice in a row (in regards to letting me pick up stuff the next day.). I mean, I get that your schedule was unpredictable...but you didn't even say anything to me. You get annoyed with linda when she just blows you off without saying anything and acts as if everything is fine so I find it odd that you would do it too. I really liked talking with you on the phone...and eventually got really comfortable with falling asleep with you on the phone...and those things just disappeared...and I fear that they wont come back

I am glad though that you seem to find a lot more comfort in josh now, despite whatever qualms you may have had about him in the past (actually quite funny to me..as you described your discomfort around him much the same way you do about me now).

I won't make you my only hope for a happy life...I hope that knowing this will take away some of the whole "responsible for my sadness" thing that occasionally comes up. And I hope that you won't make dave your only hope for a happy life (maybe you already don't).