In my classes now...I'm with the same people all the time. It's like a group of 25 of us going from class to class. They all know each other. I know a few of em...but I don't really feel like I'm a part of the group. I tried to be...still feel like an outsider though. Really...I was trying to get to know some people...and before I could even introduce themselves...they would say something like, "you're Joseph right? Yeah I heard about you. You're the smart one raising the curves." or something along those lines (in a tone like..."dont talk to me..you disgust me" kinda way). My classes just feel very...clickish. There are some others like me in my class...people who arent part of the big group. Most of em are 4th years though...and while they may appear like me in class...they arent really...they just dont care about knowing people in the class...they have their own group just like it..one year ahead. I'm tired of being lonely...but I think I would have to change quite a bit for anyone to notice.
I'm not sure I could last through a year of this. I joke that I would probably kill myself if it continued...laughing to myself only because I know it's probably true. I've been getting stronger and stronger urges just to lash out..hurt myself..hurt others. I think I should probably start going to kendo again.
Maybe I'm just looking for help in all the wrong places.
Friday, April 3, 2009
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1 comment:
maybe.
please dont hurt yourself or anyone else :/
you seem to have a knack for hiding things, usually smaller problems at first. You start hoarding them and eventually they turn into big things. It's like you can't stand being stuck with yourself. you drive yourself crazy.
i guess most people are like that to an extent. but don't let those problems get even bigger. find some way to deal with them. you need to address them head on.
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