I'm sure I just do it to myself now. I think a part of me wants to go crazy. I part of me just wants to completely break down. But I don't think I really am. I still see things sometimes...but it feels like I only see them when I want to see them. It feels like something I'm in control of...something I created.

I feel now more than ever before that I need to grow up faster...I need to learn more....I need to become more able. I don't know what you thought when you heard...but a part of me truly believed that the outbreak of swine flu was brought about artificially. I want to be able to do something about things like that. I think I once considered being a doctor, but I realized somewhere down that path that doctors were ultimately powerless in their efforts to help more. In the end, all they can do is treat the patients who come to them in the best way that is available to them. Of course I don't think them unnecessary or anything like that, I just feel that...I wouldn't be happy in such a limited way. I think I just want my job to be one giant never ending puzzle...

I don't know whats going on in your family right now...but I just want you to know that I have your happiness in my thoughts and hope that whatever it is you'll all get through it