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Well thats good...I feel a bit more sane now.

I think I just realized how stupid I was being. I can't even force down the urge to laugh now whenever I think about me being a father. The idea just seems absurd to me now. I can't even remember why I ever wanted that in the first place. Its almost like waking up from a dream...like it never was my ambition to begin with. I have a feeling that someday that urge will return to me...and yet...I think I would hesitate 10 times as much at that time...simply knowing that my desire could disappear at any second. But thats just being human I guess...everyone changes their mind...and you can get as mad or sad as you want...but nothing truly stops it from changing.

and..was I always this...self-absorbed? I surprised myself at how happy I could get simply from getting perfect scores on things. I feel a rift forming...like...maybe it was me...that put up this barrier that exists between me and the rest of the class. Maybe I was just a twisted enough person in moments like that...moments they could clearly see...and if..I even hated myself...I can only imagine they could feel the same.

We've all collected so many masks in such a short time...and have gotten so good at switching them on and off. I think....I think I'm done with the masks. I wonder how many people will still consider themselves my friend. At the same time I think it'll be somewhat lonely...like being the only person without a mask at a masquerade...but maybe somewhere along the way I'll meet someone else who took of their mask for a breath of fresh air...and it'll be all the sweeter a meeting because of it. But that was too long of a metaphor for something simple...I'll leave it at that.

You have to learn to love yourself before you're able to love others right? Or else risk being left with simply blind devotion and not truly love of any kind. I hate myself. I'm sick of myself. That's where I stand. Its like a game of chess I'm playing against myself....I pretty sure I'll be able to win =P. (although I do remember being at ryans house once and his sister was playing a game of checkers against herself and she made a move and said "oh...I lost"...so...i guess it is possible... =/ )