Noblesse Oblige...I suppose

I think I knew what my real goal was all along. I treat everything else I do just like a hobby...there are very few things that I do that actually have any meaning to them. I think maybe...I just don't have any goals now...just a bunch of hobbies.

I think I once described it as...rambling on and on to a brick wall. That was a stupid analogy though...I mean...when you're surrounded by people...your back has to be turned to some of them right? You can never please everyone in a crowd....I think its just that I've always justified it to myself as "my happiness is other people's sadness and my sadness is other people's happiness". But in retrospect I think that was just stemming from my personality. I never wanted to take huge risks...always playing things safe...how can you be truly sad when you trick yourself into believing that someone else is better off because of it...I know that I can't anyway. I guess now I just don't have that feeling.

I wonder what the future holds for me. I'm spoiled and impatient so I constantly feel anxious about stupid thoughts like those. I would say that everyone wonders these things...but I would know I'm wrong before the words even left my mouth.

They have already won...I've already lost and am just bitterly fighting for revenge in the loser's bracket.

Even saying that...I still won't stop. I'll keep going, if only to put up a guise of being ..'grateful' I suppose. Though...thinking about it...perhaps this is the one thing I'm not hiding about myself. I think I see it this way...if you take a force...and linearly scale the magnitude of the force inversely with the duration...you'll be much better off reducing the duration as opposed to increasing the magnitude. Thus in direct contradiction to the lesson at the end of watchmen...I'll ask myself if I did the right thing in the end already knowing that I've already arbitrarily defined the end as the end of my own life. And from that...I know that I haven't really learned anything yet. Because knowing what little I know I still want to increase the magnitude..not shorten the duration...and I still want to define arbitrary end points with little cosmic meaning but meaning in the sense defined by humans...the "end of an era" the "closing of a chapter in history" and I still want to play the role of a big fish in a small pond knowing that truly for the ecology of a system the tiny plants and fungi are much more critical than the large predators.

...and I ramble on knowing that the brick wall I see in my mind right now is just that...another petty little thing I've constructed.