I want to know that, I want to feel that and experience it and live it. But maybe I'm not supposed to have it. For now at least, I certainly hope not for the rest of my life.

It really is my own fault though...I'm perfectly able to accept that...after all, if I don't put any effort into my goal...why should I expect to ever meet it.

things to still fix:
1) I sleep way too much. I don't even play games anymore. I just nap all day. I skip classes to sleep more. I skip meals to sleep more.
2) I need to eat better. I haven't eaten a healthy meal for at least a month now.
3) I have no willpower lately. I just give in and do whatever I want whenever I want.
4) My memory has gotten really bad lately. I forgot that my lung collapsed until I tried to play basketball today.
5) I get irrational about my own condition.

not really a long list I suppose. But I'm not really sure where I should start. Sometimes I feel like I should just stay in my bed until I die from starvation or something. heh. I can see where times like this...it would be really nice to have an imaginary friend up in the sky that I could talk to. Too bad I can't force myself to believe things...I really do think that christianity sets up a very nice community sort of interaction. I've heard christian people say that they feel closer with a stranger who is also christian than some friends they've known a long time...and while I certainly feel sad about some parts of that statement...I can't help but think it's nice in some other ways.

I don't know what this post was about...maybe when I do...my posts can finally have titles