I dont want to try anymore...trying is too tiring. I'm just too nice I guess...she already has me in her mind as just another friend. So...I'm gonna go to sleep now...I've been sober for the past few hours but I was just sticking around to take care of her and a few others/give rides home etc. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up...grade some finals...and drive her and a friend to LA for dinner with her brother. After that...not gonna see her for a week...because I'm not gonna call her up to do anything...and shes not gonna call me up to do anything either. And thats just the way its gonna be.

So maybe I'll just decide to come home this next week...I doubt it though cause I'm going to vegas again this coming weekend. So maybe the week after that...but only for a week cause I need to study for my quals...and I said I'd help her study...but honestly...I just don't want to at this point...I really don't....I'm just sick of the whole game. Seriously...I get 0 appreciation from her whenever I do anything for her. Even her other girlfriends take notice of the shit I do more than she does...rather than say shes blind...I'm just gonna bet on it being unwanted.

Honestly though...she just makes me feel like shit. Not on purpose...but that usually just makes it feel worse.



I really don't feel like I should be in a relationship now. I feel so jaded...bolstered by my own pessimism...that I don't think I could ever actually trust anyone. I don't want a relationship like that. I'm such a guarded person at this point...most girls wouldn't take notice to begin with..and those that might..are instantly put off by my absolute cold demeanor towards them. So even if a girl stuck around after that...I would just end up questioning why...and thats a bad train of thought. I'd rather that train never leave the station.

Every month now I look back and see myself getting slightly more racist and slightly more sexist and I'm sure thats gonna help my situation tons too huh...


I wonder more and more often now if I just go through these routines. Do I even like these girls? Probably. But why? It almost feels like I'm supposed to like them...
...sometimes I wish I could just take my books and study far away from civilization.
Social pressures and all...I mean hell...I took a count and realized that I am one of like...3 single people in my entire group of friends down here. Most are in long relationships...some are engaged...a few are even married...I feel a pressure that I can't seem to think through and that I can't seem to deal with any more.

I'm starting to work out more again...not with the goal of impressing...that was always too weak...the motivation never stuck. If I'm still single 10 years down the line...I told myself I would volunteer to either be one of the first colonists on mars (apparently its in the works...one way trip..lot easier to set up than a two way)...or just work in the ISS for the longest they'll allow. Most interviews with those people always mention the loneliness...I'm sure 10 years from now I'll be much more resistant to that kind of feeling.

Maybe I'm just in a bad place emotionally right now. I started using the phrase "i dont want to live on this planet anymore" as a joke...but I say it so often now that maybe I'm slowly convincing myself. Maybe its all just a bad joke though...everything...its one of those stupid things to say..but maybe my dreams are reality...more real to me than this at least. My dreams have structure to them now. Persistent places that always exist within my dreams...I know the streets...I know some people...I enjoy being there...and I always feel regret when I wake up to my same stupid posters.

good night