pain

I've never really wanted to be a very social person for a few reasons. I like people, I like helping people, but when I try to help everyone, I get stretched thin and taken advantage of. People around me certainly like doing that. It's fine though, because I never stop them. And on and on it will go until I'm old and isolated from the world.

Its so funny though. Despite my neurotic rantings all the time, I appear perfectly normal to people. I only really get like this at night. Maybe I have some kind of chemical imbalance or something that slowly builds up throughout the day.

Tomorrow will be a very important day for me. I can feel my hands slowly wrapping around grad school. It'll be an interesting life, shielded from the economy, living in a bubble of academia. I say I want to stay in it now for post-doc->professor stuff, but I would actually bet against myself and say that I'll probably get sick of it all and end up in industry.

And my roommates whenever we discuss our futures always ask me where/when in my grand plan do I have time to find a girlfriend/eventually settle down. I usually just blow it off, whenever it happens it'll happen. The last time I heard it though, it kinda sparked something off. When did the professors I know get married? When I think about it most got married just out of grad school. That thought scared me a bit. I can barely take care of myself, let alone try to live with someone else. So, I started having this desire to become financially independent as soon as I can and start living on my own. Paying all my tuition and rent this year mostly by myself but I don't really feel at all independent just from this. Maybe I'm placing too much hope on it, but I am really counting on grad school to be the time in which I change my life.