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I'm almost afraid to post this for fear that you didn't know or didn't realize...but I felt like I owed you an explanation...

I should start off with some background. My parents told me when I was young that its good to express your feelings and be honest about things like that. As a result, I was often crying for a lot of things, not necessarily significant things. My parents had me trying a lot of sports and activities back then and I ended up giving up painting for kendo. In the end, they made me stick with kendo despite my original hatred for it. I was the only beginner at the time and the youngest, and having never dealt with kids, the sensei's there regularly beat me up and pushed me around when I cried. Eventually, I simply stopped. I transitioned, to the point where I could hide it simply by pretending it was sweat. After I while, it stopped all together and thought I became stronger because of it (though I realized the flaw in this later).

Thats why I was surprised when I suddenly started crying while you were talking on the phone to me about dave. It wasn't real crying I suppose, but the tears were there. I couldn't tell though, whether they were happy or sad. Happy sure, because I was glad that you had experienced something so wonderful and a relationship so close. Sad, sure, because I randomly pictured a life, married to you, in which you still felt that you were closer to dave. Happy, definitely, because the memories sounded so perfect. Sad, because you felt that those memories were tainted. And in the end I didn't know what I felt, and realized that I had fallen a long way from the little boy who cried...but knew himself so well.

And no...you didn't hurt me, don't you dare think that

don't be ashamed of your feelings...thats what I forgot...thats what I hope you already know