A horrible life-changing moment might occur in the next week...*sigh*...this sucks...

I dont want to try anymore...trying is too tiring. I'm just too nice I guess...she already has me in her mind as just another friend. So...I'm gonna go to sleep now...I've been sober for the past few hours but I was just sticking around to take care of her and a few others/give rides home etc. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up...grade some finals...and drive her and a friend to LA for dinner with her brother. After that...not gonna see her for a week...because I'm not gonna call her up to do anything...and shes not gonna call me up to do anything either. And thats just the way its gonna be.

So maybe I'll just decide to come home this next week...I doubt it though cause I'm going to vegas again this coming weekend. So maybe the week after that...but only for a week cause I need to study for my quals...and I said I'd help her study...but honestly...I just don't want to at this point...I really don't....I'm just sick of the whole game. Seriously...I get 0 appreciation from her whenever I do anything for her. Even her other girlfriends take notice of the shit I do more than she does...rather than say shes blind...I'm just gonna bet on it being unwanted.

Honestly though...she just makes me feel like shit. Not on purpose...but that usually just makes it feel worse.



I really don't feel like I should be in a relationship now. I feel so jaded...bolstered by my own pessimism...that I don't think I could ever actually trust anyone. I don't want a relationship like that. I'm such a guarded person at this point...most girls wouldn't take notice to begin with..and those that might..are instantly put off by my absolute cold demeanor towards them. So even if a girl stuck around after that...I would just end up questioning why...and thats a bad train of thought. I'd rather that train never leave the station.

Every month now I look back and see myself getting slightly more racist and slightly more sexist and I'm sure thats gonna help my situation tons too huh...


I wonder more and more often now if I just go through these routines. Do I even like these girls? Probably. But why? It almost feels like I'm supposed to like them...
...sometimes I wish I could just take my books and study far away from civilization.
Social pressures and all...I mean hell...I took a count and realized that I am one of like...3 single people in my entire group of friends down here. Most are in long relationships...some are engaged...a few are even married...I feel a pressure that I can't seem to think through and that I can't seem to deal with any more.

I'm starting to work out more again...not with the goal of impressing...that was always too weak...the motivation never stuck. If I'm still single 10 years down the line...I told myself I would volunteer to either be one of the first colonists on mars (apparently its in the works...one way trip..lot easier to set up than a two way)...or just work in the ISS for the longest they'll allow. Most interviews with those people always mention the loneliness...I'm sure 10 years from now I'll be much more resistant to that kind of feeling.

Maybe I'm just in a bad place emotionally right now. I started using the phrase "i dont want to live on this planet anymore" as a joke...but I say it so often now that maybe I'm slowly convincing myself. Maybe its all just a bad joke though...everything...its one of those stupid things to say..but maybe my dreams are reality...more real to me than this at least. My dreams have structure to them now. Persistent places that always exist within my dreams...I know the streets...I know some people...I enjoy being there...and I always feel regret when I wake up to my same stupid posters.

good night

So like I said...this girl is able to make me do way too much

I basically spent this whole weekend with her. We went paintballing as a group on saturday...

met up later that night for some drunken grading...

then on sunday we went shopping...she picked out some pretty awesome clothes for me...and in return had me buy her some black lace underwear...(she left me to buy it...and wow I got some strange looks from the cashier...)

then we grabbed dinner...and stopped by for some quick grocery shopping in which she bought all the ingredients to make mochi...and then left them in my car and texted me to make it for her.

So now that I have to wake up in 5 hours...I'm finished making the mochi...and wondering wtf...seriously..wtf...I spent an entire, almost completely sober, weekend with a girl who usually only talks to me when drunk...odd

I just kept writing little bits...it was stuff I was gonna put on here eventually...so why not just like this

Jumped off a waterfall today. It was damn scary the first time. Fun the second and third time =)

Met a random girl on the hiking trail who convinced me to go sailing around the Croatian islands (she's traveled all over the world and is only slightly older than us).

Despite all the stuff I'm doing recently, I still feel totally alone...

Did my first animal surgeries today. I'm taking med classes too. I'm thinking of doing an MD.

My funding is official now ($32000 a year up from $25000....yay)

Blood blood blood...my hypothesis on blood is coming together quite nicely...I think.

I need you so much closer

One of those days where you just want to drop everything you're doing and go somewhere far away.

The world is so big...or so I'm told...how should I know

I was sitting on the shuttle today and overheard two undergrads talking about their senior projects. One said he needed to develop an algorithm for PET scans and that it would keep him busy for the year. It was one of those shocking moments where I could see how much I've progressed in the past few years...I could write that algorithm in a week or two.

Grading grading grading....grading..grading.....grading.........grading

My roommate is going on a date with a girl that he's liked for over a year...heres to wishing him the best

Theres a lack of color here...

Such small things can make me feel useless...and cause me to get drunk for the past 3 nights in a row...ignoring all the things I have to do.

I think I just have a strong inferiority complex.

...and a really loose wallet at the bar...

5th hamburger this week...I feel like death right now.


Seriously...ugh

I hate this...I seriously hate this