Don't know how to start so I'll just jump right in...
You've been in my thoughts almost every day now for the past...8 years or so. I thought everything was fine being friends...funny how it took a comic to make me want something more. When I think back on it, I really think that this comic (http://xkcd.com/513/) was actually the reason I started feeling so bad all the time. It haunted me...it sounded like it could be so true in my head...so true to my own life that it made me afraid...because like it says...that really isn't the ending I hoped for.
I know you aren't gonna like to hear this...I was wondering to myself a few days ago what had happened to me. I saw all these pictures of me as a kid, climbing trees with my cousins and running around just being happy. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened. In the end though...I realized that it was you. You may see it as another instance of your so-called negative impact on your friends but please believe me when I say that I believe I'm better off for it (I have my reasons...but in summary...I guess as far as first heartbreaks go...I'm just glad it was you who broke my little kid heart =)).
As for trying to let you go....I found a quote that can say more than my own words which never seem to come out right at important times.
"when you love someone, when you truly love someone, that person becomes a part of you, they become your life, your everything. They change you and they inspire you in so many ways that are indescribable. How do you let go of someone who has made such an impact on your life? How do you let go of the only thing that keeps you going, keeps you strong? Loving someone with all you have is letting go of fear, it is growing up. Because when you love someone whole-heartedly, you let go of yourself - to live is to love - so how do you let go of someone you truly care about? The truth is... I don't think you can, I think no matter what happens, whether you are together or not, they are in your heart, always."
...and thats why I suppose. This isn't really a cycle I'm stuck in...its just me trying to do something impossible and realizing how truly hopeless it all is.
I should apologize to you though...for a lot of things really. Trying to force my own feelings on you for one...but more recently I need to say sorry...for every time you told me you love me and I just couldn't say it back. To be honest, I was questioning myself...wondering why I actually loved you...or maybe if I even did. I remember you asking me before what the reasons were I loved you...needless to say I found my answer to that question now. I don't need to hesitate anymore in saying it...
I love you..truly.
...and you said it once...and I agree...I wish I had met you earlier
and if you didn't realize from that quote...you don't need to return the favor...you've already been my anchor for a long time now...you just didn't know it =P
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
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4 comments:
i don't have time to comment right now(in any meaningful way at least) but I wanted you to know I read it and will write back soon.
Okay, here goes...
Of course I don't like hearing that I broke your heart or your spirit, but I guess if it's true, I'll try to take it in context and with a grain of salt, as they say. That said, I'm sorry our feelings for each other never entirely matched...a part of me really wishes they did.
As for the cycle and the quote, I agree and understand, which unfortunately is precisely why I can't help as much as I would like to. I can only give advice, but that advice will always be subjective to some degree as I have experienced the same situation and have never really surpassed it.
Acceptance might be the only way to do so, but I don't know if I've ever even really done that. You're not helpless in a bad way necessarily; could loving someone as whole-heartedly as you claim really be bad? Even so, I know it can be painful... not to mention difficult to sort out(or deal with). However, knowing that, a part of me still sees the good in all that love; I often feel lucky to have ever experienced it at all. I'm sure you probably acknowledge the good in it as well sometimes(hopefully).
I understood your hesitation; I wasn't frustrated because I didn't understand. I was frustrated because I didn't know what to do about it, and because you didn't seem to either. I'm very grateful to know you love me. I hope you know I love you very much, and that could never change, for similar reasons to the ones you described.
I don't ever wish to hurt you...Thank you for anchoring me and loving me, and always being there.
also...why did you delete your last two posts...
not sure what to say cause I think everything has been said...
...that said, thank you, I love you very much and I'll try my best to always be there for you when you need me =)
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